That Is How
by spectersanatomy
Summary: They kissed. They finally crossed the line again, but this time Donna wasn’t planning on sticking around to get hurt again. If he had only told her sooner, if he had only walked into her office a few seconds earlier, maybe she wouldn’t have gotten on that plane, but now, all he can do is fix it. (Written for julia.gavrilov.jg)


Harvey couldn't seem to move his legs when he arrived outside the large building. It towered above him, the night lights of the city stunning him. He was really doing this. He had to practically force himself forwards just to get through the door, thinking about everything that had happened since that night as he got into the elevator.

That morning, nearly a month ago now, when Harvey had woken up, he still couldn't believe what had happened. He thought it could have all been a dream, and that he had imagined it all, but he could still feel a slight tingle on his lips, he could feel her arms draped against his shoulders. He still felt the warmth of her body pressed against his as they locked lips for the first time since the other time. Not quite knowing what to do with himself, he got ready for work in a haze, his mind unable to focus on anything other than her.

As soon as he arrived and thought about seeing her, his heart began to accelerate. He didn't know what to think. She had said that she just needed to know - did she know now?

Was she lingering on it as much as he was?

He found himself making his way to his office, sitting at his desk and staring at the wall. His mind was spinning. His attention was split between two things. The possibility that Donna could freak and leave him, just like she did last time, and how goddamn good it felt every time he thought of it and got a warm feeling in his chest. He briefly remembered Mike coming into his office to ask him to do something, but he's not entirely sure what it was. He's pretty sure it must have been reasonable because he agreed to it, whatever it was.

In the room next door, Donna was in a similar situation. Usually she couldn't be fazed, but recently she had found herself thinking about a certain lawyer whenever her mind began to wander. Leading up to last night, every time either of them had left the room, she had felt her cheeks blushing. When he had told her about Paula, for a second, she felt her heart drop, but it was more than that. She felt empty.

Sat in her chair, she leant back, twiddling her thumbs as she thought about last night. She couldn't believe she had done it. She shouldn't have done it. She had just risked their entire relationship, again.

Rachel walked into the room and dragged her out of her thoughts.

"Donna?"

She wasn't sure how many times the brunette had said her name, but she assumed it had been a few as she blinked, refocusing her vision and clearing away the tears that had started to from.

"Hey, so Mike's staying late tonight, do you wanna go out later? I figured Michelle Ross and Harriet Specter could go and have some fun."

She's not sure what she replied, but she guessed it didn't really matter anymore as she stared at the two pieces of paper on her desk. One, typed and formal, addressed to Mr Specter and Mr Litt, the other written in her loopy writing , addressed to him. She folded the other up and took her bag and box with her belongings, can opener on top, taking a breath and walking out of the door before she could change her mind.

As she walked to the elevator, she felt a little melancholy. No one had seen her go. As soon as the doors shut she closed her eyes and let the tears spill. She had been waiting all day for him to say something, to come and shout, to come and thank her, to come and say anything. To do something that told her that this attraction wasn't just one sided - but he hadn't. She had to do this, she had already called Jessica, it had been arranged, her flight booked. All she had to do was leave that voice message for Rachel because she wouldn't be able to tell one of her longest friends what she was doing without breaking down.

After spending a day wracking his brain, trying to work out what he should do, he finally decided to go and speak to her. He had to get this right - he couldn't screw it up again. She had to know, he loved her, and he knew how. As he walked out of his office, he heard the elevator doors shut. He really had to hire some staff who stayed later, he thought. He was not aware that if he had been a few seconds earlier, he would have caught her, because those were the exact elevator doors that had closed behind Donna.

He couldn't describe how he felt when he entered her office. It was completely empty. He felt a pit in his stomach, practically sprinting to the pieces of paper that he saw on her desk. He already knew what they said, but part of him hoped that it was a mistake. Maybe she was redecorating and this was some paperwork she left out. As different scenarios ran through his now cloudy mind, his chest started to rise and fall and he started to gasp for air. Despite the tears in his eyes, he could make out the words on the top of the letter.

"Re: Letter of Resignation."

He didn't even bother to read it, letting it limply fall back to the desk from his hand. It wasn't until he had to steady himself on her desk that he realised how light headed he was, running his hand over his forehead to wipe away the sweat that was forming.

He was so caught up in his head that he didn't even notice Rachel in the room until he felt her arms wrap around him and guide him to a chair. In a blind panic, he searched around the room for a face, one that would comfort him and make him feel better, but that was the only face he wouldn't see, she had gone.

Rachel had just heard the message, and was completely torn. First of all, she was shocked that they had crossed the line again. But more, she didn't know what to do. Donna was her best friend and she had asked her not to tell Harvey where she was going, just that she had to do it, and that she didn't want to hurt him, but it was killing her to watch him sat there, completely breaking down in front of her.

"Please, Harvey, look at me. Do you want a drink?"

He nodded, not able to get enough air to say anything.

Donna had left water on the table, so she went to pour him some, not taking her eyes off of the struggling man. The second she handed it to him, he practically inhaled it, placing the glass down on the table weakly after he had emptied it. She watched his hand shake and not even thinking, went to grab it, steadying it in her's. For a second they made eye contact and she wondered if she had made a terrible mistake, but when he let out a sigh and squeezed onto her, she sat in the seat next to him and waited it out with him.

When it was all over, she was reluctant to leave him, but he wanted to be alone to read the letter from Donna. She still couldn't get over the guilt she felt, so as she headed to the door, she turned back.

"I'll help you. I can help you. Get yourself another therapist, figure out what you feel, and then I'll help you get her back."

She was expecting him to lash out, to demand information right that very second, she was shocked when he smiled at her.

"Thanks, Rachel."

Before she left the office for the night, she made sure to let Mike know. She told him not to go and see him immediately since he wanted to be alone, but that he should maybe go and check on him at some point.

Eventually, the lawyer managed to pick up the folded piece of paper. Before he took the two pieces apart, he traced the etchings in the paper where she had been pressing down with the pen. He knew her handwriting like no one else, and it was comforting to feel the loops and lines the way her hand had written them.

Unfolding it, he inhaled sharply as he started to read the letter.

Dear Harvey,

This is all so formal, it's weird.

I don't know how to say this. I always know how to say things, what to do, but this time I don't because I don't want to hurt you.

(I know you can't see my face, but you should know that I'm already crying so this is going to be short.)

I want to thank you, for starters, for the best goddamn 14 years of my life. The stress, the tears, the anger, it was all worth it to come into work every morning and sit outside your office. It was worth it when I was about to go to prison for you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I will be fierce and loyal to you forever, no matter how this turns out.

I want to forgive you, for everything I have ever said that you've done to hurt me. For not fighting for me, for not listening to me, for not knowing how.

I want to say I'm sorry. For not having faith in you, even though you'd never let anything happen to me; for leaving you; for not being there when you needed me, and for last night.

I wanted you to be honest with me.

This isn't easy for me, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I can't say no to you and that is why I'm not telling you to your face. Because, Harvey Specter, if there is one thing I hate more than anything, it's seeing you cry.

You know that we're family, we have been from day 1, when we met at that bar, but you have other family. I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving because I don't want to ruin everything that we have built for the last twelve years. You still have people around you so don't you dare let this break you because I will never forgive myself.

I might come back one day. I might not. But whatever happens -

I told you last night that I just needed to know, and now I do. But I don't wanna do this to us again.

I love you Harvey.

-D

That was it. That was all he got.

The next morning, he woke up back in his office, his face slightly tear stained and an empty whiskey glass on his table. He was just in his shirt, his blazer, vest and tie were draped over the sofa. His dad's music was slowly spinning in the record player and her letter, as well as a box of thumbtacks were sat in front of him.

The man didn't even want to move. His head hurt, telling him he had definitely had too much to drink last night, but as he looked around, he knew he wasn't alone. He saw another blazer strewn across the floor, recognising it as one of his former associate's cheap suits. He sighed, heading out before his friend had a chance to get back - he had something to do.

When Mike got back to Harvey's office, he wasn't shocked to see he wasn't there. He assumed he had gone to the bathroom, or that he had gone to get some fresh air, but after a while he got worried and headed off around the office to look for him. After ruling out Donna's office, his old office, the men's room and every other place he could think of, he went to ask his colleagues, but neither of them knew anything.

He was starting to get a little scared. He was trying to think of anywhere he could have possibly gone with Rachel and Louis, and they all stood in his office, looking absolutely dumbfounded, when he came back in with absolutely no explanation.

"What are you all looking at, don't you have work to do?"

They were all quite shocked that he was being funny, or at least a little sarcastic. They had spent their time preparing to tip toe around him so as not to put him on edge, but he seemed - well he seemed fine.

The others left, but Rachel stayed.

"Harvey, are you okay?"

He would have thought that if anyone stayed, it would have been Mike, but he was kind of glad it was Rachel, because he could get started on getting Donna back.

"I broke up with Paula."

For the next month, he did everything he could to prove to Rachel that he was ready to see Donna.

He got another therapist (he actually asked Louis for help, which shocked all of them!), he didn't see anyone else after Paula, and focused on trying to become a more the kind of man she had always told him he was.

She was impressed. For the first time in years, she saw him doing something because he truly wanted to prove to Donna that he was the right choice for her. He was putting her first.

That was how he got to where he was stood that night, in Chicago, going up floor by floor to where he knew she would be waiting. The elevator ride felt like it lasted forever. He found himself squeezing the bouquet in his hand as tightly as he could without killing the flowers to calm himself. He was determined not to screw this up - he couldn't screw this up. The doors finally pinged open and he took a slow step out, his feet beginning to carry him across the floor without him feeling like he was moving them.

Then he saw her.

She was walking out of a glass panelled room, headed in his direction but not looking at him. Her head was down and she was reading a piece of paper.

Before he ever knew what he was doing, his legs began to move faster, pulling him towards her - he had to get to her. As soon as he reached her, he placed the flowers down on the desk beside them and as she looked up, before she could react, he grabbed her face and pulled her in to kiss him.

The document floated gently down to the floor and they pressed against each other, their lips locking, and both of them knowing for certain how the other loved them.

More than you love a best friend.

More than you love the only person in the world you can trust.

More than you love the only person whose face you want to see everyday.

Like you love your soulmate - the person who was made for you.

When they eventually pulled away, both of them were a little shocked by what had just happened. It didn't feel like it had lasted long enough, but they were both left breathless.

"That is how I love you, Donna Paulsen."

She couldn't even try to stop the massive beaming smile that was growing on her face, or the blush that was forming on her cheeks.

Neither of them had to explain anything, the letter, the kiss, the years of constant stolen glances from across the room told them everything they needed to know. Because of that, when he invited her out to dinner, she immediately accepted, no hard feelings from either of them.

As they left the building, he remembered about the flowers, grabbing them hastily as they walked off.

"I almost forgot, these are for you."

He held up the previously gorgeous bouquet he had purchased, his face dropping slightly when he saw how truly crumpled they had become in the elevator. She couldn't help but let a giggle escape her mouth.

"What, you couldn't get me proper flowers?"

By the time they were on the street, they were laughing just like old friends, but both giddy with the knowledge that they weren't just friends anymore, they were that.

They spent the entire night together. First they caught each other up on everything that had happened in the past month, which was quite a lot. Then, after a couple of drinks, he started to tell her about the panic attacks he had been having since she left, and how he had started therapy again. At the mention of therapy, a red flag popped up in her head, Paula.

"I ended it with her."

Those were the best words she had heard in a long time, besides him telling her he loved her.

Then they went back to her apartment. Everything was still packed up in boxes, except for the can opener, it lay there on the coffee table in the middle of the room - just like the thumbtacks were on his.

By the end of the night, they were reminiscing about old times, and they stayed up into the early hours of the morning, laughing their heads off.

"I still can't believe your mother doesn't hate me for the whole shrimp thing!"

"I still can't believe you keep talking about it, you need some more funny stories!"

"Maybe we should have dinner together more often then, you, me and both our mothers."

Her laughter died down when she heard what came out of his mouth.

"Your mother, Harvey, are you sure that you wanna do that? Don't feel pressured to."

He put down his glass of wine, and reached out to grab her hands.

"This is what I want, Donna."

Her eyes looked up to meet his and stared into them.

"You helped me to reconnect with her, the least you can do is agree to have dinner with her, after all, she thinks you're pretty special."

"She does?" She asked, an even bigger smile growing on her face.

"Yeah, she does. But not as special as I think you are."

He smirked a little as he spoke, looking down slightly as he started to blush.

They sat for a moment.

"So does this mean you'll come back to New York with me?"

She paused for a moment. Creasing her brows and looking into the side. Then as she saw the man becoming to get impatient, a large smile grew on her face and she looked him right in the eyes.

"I thought you'd never ask!"


End file.
